'Inside My Butt' by Matt Banham

liftedbrow:

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(illustration by Marijka Gooding)

A few months ago I was referred to see a proctologist to check out what was going on inside my butt. I’ve had irritable bowel syndrome for years and put up with a lot of discomfort. Along I went to my appointment with the specialist and was greeted by a stern looking old man dressed in a drab suit sitting behind his large, wooden desk. He gestured for me to sit down on some really old lounge chairs with splits all through the leather. I’m not sure if the chairs were designed to make me feel uncomfortable or not but the only way to sit on them was to kind of lean back like you would at home if you were watching TV with a bowl of chips on your lap. The old man asked me a series of questions in a very matter-of-fact way and then decided that I should have a colonoscopy. I tried to joke with him about my problems with flatulence but he simply ignored me. He booked me in for an appointment in a month’s time and gave me a list of instructions on how to prepare for the procedure.

Preparation for the procedure involved a few days of avoiding certain foods, then avoiding solid food and then avoiding food altogether. It was awful. I also had to drink a powdered drink that tasted like a combination of a sports drink and gutter water. This was designed to flush me out. It made me go to the toilet a lot, not with diarrhoea but instead with jets of liquid that would pour out of my arse like someone had turned the tap on full bore and also stretched out the opening. Three days of no real food and having to vomit liquid out of my butthole had made me feel quite delirious and almost drunk. It took me a few seconds longer than usual to work out what anyone was saying to me and then my answers would wander all over the place until I got to my point. For some reason I thought I would be fine to work in this condition and went to work up until an hour before my procedure.

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Journey to the centre of my bowel.

Missed an episode of Matt Banham’s Jokes? Now you can watch Sweason 2 in its entirety through this lovely youtube playlist. ENJOY!

My Best Tweets of 2012

Here they are! Find more at twitter.com/mattbanham

- Gentlemen, start your PENGUINS!

- If I lived in the olden days I would build a castle made of gold. The Golden Castle they would call it, and they would be accurate.

- Movie idea: A bunch of talking babies take over Wall Street and cause another GFC.   Title: Wall Street 3: Look Who’s Trading Now!

- I wonder if the Sun ever gets annoyed at how much people love the shade.

- I wanna open a bar called ‘The Dog & Duck & Bull & Bear & Elephant & Swan & Cock & People’

- One day I hope to become a Yakult leader.

- Whoever invented pockets was a genius. Whoever invented holes in pockets was just a trouble maker.

- White undies sure tell you a lot about yourself.

- You never see any bugs in Jamie Oliver’s kitchen. I guess he probably eats them all.

- Computeeeeeer, I just met a girl named Computeeeeer.

- Liam Neeson stars in a boring movie about a man with a past having to live in the now.

- While I appreciate school children calling me ‘Sir’ I would be happier if they didn’t speak to me.

- I’m gonna glue mirrors to my inner thighs do from certain angles it will look like I have HEAPS of dicks!

- I’m gonna remake that Battleship movie. It will be exactly the same except that a toilet will flush every time someone enters a room.

- In that Ashton Kutcher/Steve Jobs movie Bruce Willis should play Steve Jobs dad, Bill Gates  ‘Finish your apples son’  ‘but DAD’  ‘trust me’

- Lil’ Stevie Jobs - ‘Dad why do you keep staring AT windows instead of out of them’  Pappa Bill Gates - ‘Haha, no reason Son, no reason…’

- Bill Gates ‘I didn’t send you to Computer University so you could start a fruit stand!’ Stevie Jobs ‘No dad, listen’ BG ‘YOU ARE NOT MY SON’

- I wanna start a boy band with 4 fifteen year old boys and me.   We will be called The Sweet Lads.

- Why do most of the boys in One Direction have comb overs? They all look quite young.  The price of fame I guess.

- When I die please turn me into the hologram that shoots Tupac’s hologram.

- Mrs Brown you’ve got a lovely daughter, DOWN TOWN!

- They should have priority seating on buses for people with hangovers.

- Matthew Newton walks into a bar and the bartender says ‘why the round face?’ Then the bartender gets beat to death.

- I’m not going bald I’m just running out of hair.

- Craig Thomson should just say he blew all the money investing in that singing frog from Looney Tunes. I’d forgive that. Happens to everyone.

- A State Of Origin player walks into a bar and orders a juice. When he gets it he holds it n shouts ‘JUST LOOK AT THE STATE OF THIS ORANGE!’.

- I believe in a woman’s right to booze.

- ‘Someday my mints will come’ - song I sing when I’m trying to find my mints.

- If Princess Di was alive today she’d be rolling in her grave!

- Allouette I need a serviette-a. Allouette to clean a my big faaaaace.

- I guess someone offered Katie Holmes a lamb roast she couldn’t refuse.

- Matt, short for Matt Banham.

- I tried to watch The Shire but I couldn’t see the screen past my boner.

- ‘There’s a bomb on this butt!!’  Speed 3: Butt Bomb

- I’m gonna start a tour company called Lil Jimmy’s Charters. It will be hosted by a fake Jimmy Carter who takes you to a fake White House.

- All that is necessary for the triumph of Tim Minchin is that good people do nothing.

- I’m gonna open a restaurant called Warmed Meat where I never ruin the meat by cooking it I just keep it warm.

- Now that she’s back in the atmosphere, With drops of urine in her hair, hey, yeaaaaaah yeah ye.-

- Sometimes I think that Lil Wayne thinks he’s better than me

- TV special idea: We follow Judge Judy as she goes through the process of becoming a man.   Title ‘Judge Judy: The Balls In Your Court.’

- Keep your friends close and your snacks even closer.

- PMisS U.

- Sit poo poo sit, good bog.

- Only just noticed how funny it is when Jet sing ‘Gotta leave town got another appointment YEAH’. Appointments!! FUCK YEAH!! Jet loves em!

- ‘This used to be my playground, this used to be my childhood peen’ - Me, every time I look down at what’s left of my penis.

- I’m not gonna lie to you, this morning I’ve got the gas of a thousand suns.

- ‘I’ll fly you to the womb and back if you’ll be, if you’ll be my baby’ - what I sing to all the little babies I meet.

- If I worked for Nike most Air Jordan’s would be filled with ‘secret farts’.

- I’m gonna make an iPhone game called Angry Broads where you launch feminists at shock jocks.   Gonna make a million bucks.

- It’s my crotch to bare.

- People who enjoy sitting in the sun probably evolved from lizards.

- GARY RESCUE POLICE SWEET

- I hope I annoy people more than people annoy me.

- I’m gonna have an affair with a seamstress and when my girlfriend finds out I’ll yell ‘MY LIFE IS FALLING APART AT THE SEAMS(tress)!’

- I’m gonna make a spoof movie called RobotCop where a robot cop spends most of his time trying to explain that the ‘t’ in his name is silent.

- Small Talk: A daytime chat show made by and for people with tiny genitals.   Who wants to host? Small genitals a must!

- How do we know that this universe isn’t just a parallel universe spoof of the REAL universe?!

- If I go to a Halloween party this year I wanna somehow dress as Russell Crowe and Danielle Spencer tearing in half.

- I hate the Zombie Walk. It makes light of a very serious issue - how much I hate drama students.

- You’re the voice try and understand it it. You’re the voice LIVE IN FEAR

- Tell you what these beggars believe a lot of stuff.

- ‘You wanna win at softball you gotta play hardball!’ - Me, if I was a softball coach.

- Thank God women still dress up like sexy cats on Halloween to remind us all how fun it would be to have sex with a cat.

- I wonder how often Russell Crowe refers to his beautiful mind when he is having an argument with someone.

- It would have made more sense for Bryan Adams to sing ‘Just tell me CAN you ever really, really, really, ever love a woman?’.

- Regrets, I’ve had a poo.

- Hello Bathroom my old friend, I’ve come to shit in you again.

- If I ever have a kid I’m gonna train it to say ‘Are you flirting with me?’ to any authority figures they come across.

- I’m gonna make a prequel to Storage Wars which just shows people putting their stuff in storage.

- Kevin07 degrees of seperation.

- I don’t like it when something whets my appetite, I’d rather have a wet appetite cause that just means I’m thirsty. Easy fixes :)

- People LOVE to be motivated. Not me, I’m motivated enough. Leave me alone.

- I knew that Monday had to come eventually but did it have to come today?

- I’m gonna pitch a movie to Pixar about a bunch of flies that can travel through time.   And of course it will be called ‘Time Flies’.

- I’m gonna have a bunch of sons and home school them so then I can call them my homeboys!

- My soft vagina is a wet pit of depression

- If I was a lady about to have sex with James Bond I would say ‘I like my clitoris shaken not stirred.’

- Ultrasounds of Kate Middleton’s baby reveal it to be half fish which scientists say is a throwback to a gene not seen since King Neptune.

- Oh to be young again and have all my disappointments ahead of me.

- When I go back in time I’m gonna walk up to a dinosaur and say ‘YOU belong in a museum!’ and we will both have a big laugh.

- When I become a stripper I’m gonna be called Dr Nuts. My act will just be me listening to my pulse in my balls with a stethoscope.

- Capeesh Diem.

- Christopher Pyne walks into a bar and orders a drink, accidentally spills it all over himself and walks out of the bar confused and alone.

- Luke Skywalker walks into a bar, buys his sister a drink and makes out with her for hours.

- It’s not too late to order from my company Puppies Just For Xmas. I personally guarantee these pups are so sick they will die by New Years.

- A man asks ‘how long is a piece of string?’ and a piece of string says ‘that’s a rather personal question!’.

- Very few people clean their butts with the brush conveniently placed right next to most toilets.

- I suffer from tall ploppies syndrome.

- Walking is the fools sitting down.

Matt Banham’s Jokes: Neil Armstrong

What I would have said if I was Neil Armstrong

Why it’s the video for me latest single featuring Steph Crase!

YOLF

YOLF

A homage to White Men Can’t Jump

What a FUN GUY

What a FUN GUY

Campbell WHOMAN?

Campbell WHOMAN?

MAX BANHAM FOR PM

MAX BANHAM FOR PM