My Best Tweets of 2012

Fri, 11 Jan 2013 15:18:29 +1100

Here they are! Find more at twitter.com/mattbanham

- Gentlemen, start your PENGUINS!

- If I lived in the olden days I would build a castle made of gold. The Golden Castle they would call it, and they would be accurate.

- Movie idea: A bunch of talking babies take over Wall Street and cause another GFC.   Title: Wall Street 3: Look Who’s Trading Now!

- I wonder if the Sun ever gets annoyed at how much people love the shade.

- I wanna open a bar called ‘The Dog & Duck & Bull & Bear & Elephant & Swan & Cock & People’

- One day I hope to become a Yakult leader.

- Whoever invented pockets was a genius. Whoever invented holes in pockets was just a trouble maker.

- White undies sure tell you a lot about yourself.

- You never see any bugs in Jamie Oliver’s kitchen. I guess he probably eats them all.

- Computeeeeeer, I just met a girl named Computeeeeer.

- Liam Neeson stars in a boring movie about a man with a past having to live in the now.

- While I appreciate school children calling me ‘Sir’ I would be happier if they didn’t speak to me.

- I’m gonna glue mirrors to my inner thighs do from certain angles it will look like I have HEAPS of dicks!

- I’m gonna remake that Battleship movie. It will be exactly the same except that a toilet will flush every time someone enters a room.

- In that Ashton Kutcher/Steve Jobs movie Bruce Willis should play Steve Jobs dad, Bill Gates ‘Finish your apples son’ ‘but DAD’ ‘trust me’

- Lil’ Stevie Jobs - ‘Dad why do you keep staring AT windows instead of out of them’ Pappa Bill Gates - ‘Haha, no reason Son, no reason…’

- Bill Gates ‘I didn’t send you to Computer University so you could start a fruit stand!’ Stevie Jobs ‘No dad, listen’ BG ‘YOU ARE NOT MY SON’

- I wanna start a boy band with 4 fifteen year old boys and me.   We will be called The Sweet Lads.

- Why do most of the boys in One Direction have comb overs? They all look quite young. The price of fame I guess.

- When I die please turn me into the hologram that shoots Tupac’s hologram.

- Mrs Brown you’ve got a lovely daughter, DOWN TOWN!

- They should have priority seating on buses for people with hangovers.

- Matthew Newton walks into a bar and the bartender says ‘why the round face?’ Then the bartender gets beat to death.

- I’m not going bald I’m just running out of hair.

- Craig Thomson should just say he blew all the money investing in that singing frog from Looney Tunes. I’d forgive that. Happens to everyone.

- A State Of Origin player walks into a bar and orders a juice. When he gets it he holds it n shouts ‘JUST LOOK AT THE STATE OF THIS ORANGE!’.

- I believe in a woman’s right to booze.

- ‘Someday my mints will come’ - song I sing when I’m trying to find my mints.

- If Princess Di was alive today she’d be rolling in her grave!

- Allouette I need a serviette-a. Allouette to clean a my big faaaaace.

- I guess someone offered Katie Holmes a lamb roast she couldn’t refuse.

- Matt, short for Matt Banham.

- I tried to watch The Shire but I couldn’t see the screen past my boner.

- ‘There’s a bomb on this butt!!’ Speed 3: Butt Bomb

- I’m gonna start a tour company called Lil Jimmy’s Charters. It will be hosted by a fake Jimmy Carter who takes you to a fake White House.

- All that is necessary for the triumph of Tim Minchin is that good people do nothing.

- I’m gonna open a restaurant called Warmed Meat where I never ruin the meat by cooking it I just keep it warm.

- Now that she’s back in the atmosphere, With drops of urine in her hair, hey, yeaaaaaah yeah ye.-

- Sometimes I think that Lil Wayne thinks he’s better than me

- TV special idea: We follow Judge Judy as she goes through the process of becoming a man.   Title ‘Judge Judy: The Balls In Your Court.’

- Keep your friends close and your snacks even closer.

- PMisS U.

- Sit poo poo sit, good bog.

- Only just noticed how funny it is when Jet sing ‘Gotta leave town got another appointment YEAH’. Appointments!! FUCK YEAH!! Jet loves em!

- ‘This used to be my playground, this used to be my childhood peen’ - Me, every time I look down at what’s left of my penis.

- I’m not gonna lie to you, this morning I’ve got the gas of a thousand suns.

- ‘I’ll fly you to the womb and back if you’ll be, if you’ll be my baby’ - what I sing to all the little babies I meet.

- If I worked for Nike most Air Jordan’s would be filled with ‘secret farts’.

- I’m gonna make an iPhone game called Angry Broads where you launch feminists at shock jocks.   Gonna make a million bucks.

- It’s my crotch to bare.

- People who enjoy sitting in the sun probably evolved from lizards.

- GARY RESCUE POLICE SWEET

- I hope I annoy people more than people annoy me.

- I’m gonna have an affair with a seamstress and when my girlfriend finds out I’ll yell ‘MY LIFE IS FALLING APART AT THE SEAMS(tress)!’

- I’m gonna make a spoof movie called RobotCop where a robot cop spends most of his time trying to explain that the ‘t’ in his name is silent.

- Small Talk: A daytime chat show made by and for people with tiny genitals.   Who wants to host? Small genitals a must!

- How do we know that this universe isn’t just a parallel universe spoof of the REAL universe?!

- If I go to a Halloween party this year I wanna somehow dress as Russell Crowe and Danielle Spencer tearing in half.

- I hate the Zombie Walk. It makes light of a very serious issue - how much I hate drama students.

- You’re the voice try and understand it it. You’re the voice LIVE IN FEAR

- Tell you what these beggars believe a lot of stuff.

- ‘You wanna win at softball you gotta play hardball!’ - Me, if I was a softball coach.

- Thank God women still dress up like sexy cats on Halloween to remind us all how fun it would be to have sex with a cat.

- I wonder how often Russell Crowe refers to his beautiful mind when he is having an argument with someone.

- It would have made more sense for Bryan Adams to sing ‘Just tell me CAN you ever really, really, really, ever love a woman?’.

- Regrets, I’ve had a poo.

- Hello Bathroom my old friend, I’ve come to shit in you again.

- If I ever have a kid I’m gonna train it to say ‘Are you flirting with me?’ to any authority figures they come across.

- I’m gonna make a prequel to Storage Wars which just shows people putting their stuff in storage.

- Kevin07 degrees of seperation.

- I don’t like it when something whets my appetite, I’d rather have a wet appetite cause that just means I’m thirsty. Easy fixes :)

- People LOVE to be motivated. Not me, I’m motivated enough. Leave me alone.

- I knew that Monday had to come eventually but did it have to come today?

- I’m gonna pitch a movie to Pixar about a bunch of flies that can travel through time.   And of course it will be called ‘Time Flies’.

- I’m gonna have a bunch of sons and home school them so then I can call them my homeboys!

- My soft vagina is a wet pit of depression

- If I was a lady about to have sex with James Bond I would say ‘I like my clitoris shaken not stirred.’

- Ultrasounds of Kate Middleton’s baby reveal it to be half fish which scientists say is a throwback to a gene not seen since King Neptune.

- Oh to be young again and have all my disappointments ahead of me.

- When I go back in time I’m gonna walk up to a dinosaur and say ‘YOU belong in a museum!’ and we will both have a big laugh.

- When I become a stripper I’m gonna be called Dr Nuts. My act will just be me listening to my pulse in my balls with a stethoscope.

- Capeesh Diem.

- Christopher Pyne walks into a bar and orders a drink, accidentally spills it all over himself and walks out of the bar confused and alone.

- Luke Skywalker walks into a bar, buys his sister a drink and makes out with her for hours.

- It’s not too late to order from my company Puppies Just For Xmas. I personally guarantee these pups are so sick they will die by New Years.

- A man asks ‘how long is a piece of string?’ and a piece of string says ‘that’s a rather personal question!’.

- Very few people clean their butts with the brush conveniently placed right next to most toilets.

- I suffer from tall ploppies syndrome.

- Walking is the fools sitting down.

Matt Banham’s Jokes: Neil Armstrong What I would have...

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 15:01:28 +1100

Matt Banham’s Jokes: Neil Armstrong

What I would have said if I was Neil Armstrong

Why it’s the video for me latest single featuring Steph...

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 13:08:33 +1000

Why it’s the video for me latest single featuring Steph Crase!

YOLF

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 17:47:44 +1000

YOLF

A homage to White Men Can’t Jump

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 15:05:34 +1000

A homage to White Men Can’t Jump

What a FUN GUY

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 19:10:49 +1000

What a FUN GUY

Campbell WHOMAN?

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 18:52:05 +1100

Campbell WHOMAN?

MAX BANHAM FOR PM

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 12:12:01 +1100

MAX BANHAM FOR PM

Scumbag Tony

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 18:40:06 +1100

Scumbag Tony

IT’S CROCODUCK

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 16:41:08 +1100

IT’S CROCODUCK

Wayne, Garth, Sophia Grace & Rosie

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 17:28:07 +1100

Wayne, Garth, Sophia Grace & Rosie

Valentino’s Day

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 13:43:12 +1100

Valentino’s Day

Spotted in my neighbourhood.

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 10:22:35 +1100

Spotted in my neighbourhood.

Photo

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 15:33:39 +1100

WHAT YOU LOOKING HAT?

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 14:52:52 +1100

WHAT YOU LOOKING HAT?

Photo

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 14:53:09 +1100

Great Job Janice!

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 19:11:39 +1100

Great Job Janice!

Rain Man Sequel - Matt Banham’s Jokes

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:25:56 +1100

Rain Man Sequel - Matt Banham’s Jokes

Matt Banham’s Jokes: Will Smith & Damon Wayans Movie

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 19:05:00 +1100

Matt Banham’s Jokes: Will Smith & Damon Wayans Movie

HIGH FIVE!

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 11:30:28 +1100

HIGH FIVE!